So today I had a shower thought. It was a little heavier than the ones I usually see on the internet though. It started with a question to myself. “Why is Jon-Eric’s birthday harder for me than the anniversary of his death?”. Every year I struggle with the milestones. The last day I saw him, the night the policeman showed up, the official day he died, but hardest of all is his birthday and that left me puzzled. Honestly I had never given it any thought until now, it just is what happened every year. Grief doesn’t really follow the rules though, so it didn’t strike me as odd per say, until I realized that it did indeed happen EVERY year.
Then I realized why. When you celebrate someone’s birthday, you are celebrating another year that they have been alive. All the other hardest days, relate to his death, but his birthday is supposed to be a special day, set aside specifically to let him know how happy we are that he is alive and part of our life.
I’m afraid I don’t really have anything to follow that with…. It was a moment of revelation for me, and understanding why I think and feel the way I do often helps learn how to deal with my thoughts and emotions, but I don’t have anything super uplifting to say. One day I will tell you all the amazing things God did for my family in the midst of tragically losing our brother/son, but that is a very long tale that I haven’t yet figured out how to write about. It was a truly blessed tragedy though. Maybe, I’ll find a way to share it piece by piece, like the episodes of “How I met your mother” until the whole story it told. We’ll see.